Pandemic Marriage & Adoption Journey (Pt. 2)

Updated: May 5

My fiance and I have been engaged for a few years now, with our wedding canceled twice because of COVID. We have also been on quite the long journey of adopting a child...yet unfortunately the only thing we keep coming back to is the ridiculous amount of money agencies ask just to "buy" the child. ... ugh I can't stand it. Furthermore, not being legally married seemed to disqualify us from a few agencies as well - particularly a Religious one. I share my experiences to raise awareness and help those who are going through similar experiences not feel alone!


*Note: Could be offensive to some - regarding Religious beliefs. I love the God I believe in, and that God does not judge people who cannot have children or are not married with children. I do have strong opinions and a very strong passion for saving and helping all children and people, esp. with disabilities! I do not believe the route to saving children is judgement based on a belief system that deters them from being placed in loving homes and using a Religious For - Profit Business to disqualify people. These children just want loving homes. I spoke to a Lawyer about this and it IS illegal to have a private Adoption Agency using Religion as an excuse to disqualify people. *This company has since been reported by me and a few others who felt passionately about this in the Adoption group I shared my Rejection Letter with.



Adoption Journey Pt. 2:


Pt.1: Adopting w. CHD


I have written to the few agencies that turned us down because of my health (oxy-moron, right? People who can't have children usually have health problems!). I also wrote to the agencies who gave me quotes between $45k and $67k just to adopt a newborn that was conceived and birthed for free (obviously).


Foster System? Yes! We are on it and very excited! I truly believe God is guiding us to the child/children that came here to be ours.


However, this doesn't take away my concerns regarding the adoption system. Even though we won't be using an agency I still wanted to share some information just in case this can help anyone. If we have learned anything thus far through Adoption Agencies it is unfortunately the harsh truth that they do not seem to care about the best interest for the child.


For example -- the extremely religious Adoption Agency turned us down because "in the eyes of God we are not married" and I said well, I would consider myself a very open-minded Christian, and in the eyes of the God I believe in, COVID happened and cancelled our wedding twice therefore has absolutely nothing to do with the bible and shouldn't hurt children not having loving homes in the process. She said she understands my concerns and will speak to her manager. They called back later that week and confirmed we were not married in the eyes of God and therefore are SINNERS if we have a child - lol - seriously?


We are SINNERS if we want to save a child from living in a group home or in and out of foster care or with family who isn't fit to care for them?


They said yes that is what their agency stands for and AFTER one year of being legally married we can re-apply and move forward with the process...as if a signed piece of paper and 12 more months of living the same life that we love with our dream partner we got lucky enough to find is going to make us "more equipped" to be parents. ... smh. Again - NOT in the best interest for the child, but is what fits their beliefs of what they think their God would want. ... I can't imagine any God wanting children suffering any longer than they have to but sure whatever you tell yourselves to make more money. --That's what I thought, but not what I said.


My actual response: "We have been together six years, and lived together for five. We have fostered three children our first year together, been through repeated terrifying health issues together, and have been through more than most "married" couples go through in 20 years. Trust me, WE ARE READY for a child and literally signing a piece of paper is not going to CHANGE anything between us nor make us better people."


And then I had to add ....


"Do you seriously believe after this long that signing a piece of paper is going to change something between us? Do you honestly think God doesn't love us or whatever because we didn't sign a piece of paper that the bible says to sign and turn into a building who puts a stamp on it - then calling it legally married?....."


Her response --- "Yes, this is what we believe ma'am." I ended with, "It breaks my heart for all of the children who are missing out on amazing, loving, ready-to-be parents because a Pandemic happened and canceled thousands of weddings therefore extending the "legal marriage thing" at least another year or two. And I GUARANTEE any God doesn't think amazing people like us are "SINNERS" for bringing in children to a home without a signed document.


We have put Adoption Agencies on hold now and are now very very hesitant to go the Adoption route because Adoption agencies seem to only want to make money off of children instead of do what's best for humans without homes, which would be to find amazing families like us, and let those amazing families adopt without being married as well as keep their savings to spend on the child.


Adoption Agencies are doing the opposite of what is best for the child by charging thousands and thousands of dollars instead of allowing families to use that money for their shelter, food, clothing, classes, education, and all the special needs classes that come along with having a disabled child-if we adopt a child with disabilities.


We have our Foster Application submitted and waiting to begin our classes again (since last time COVID cancelled them).


To be continued....


FINANCE$ & DEATH


In our opinion-we (and everyone else who cannot have children) would like to use our savings to raise the child, considering everyone who can give birth, does it for free. If you cannot give birth then most likely there are mild to severe health issues. Therefore, for the agencies who said "no serious health issues" is also an oxy-moron because the reason I can't have children is because of my health issues!


Do you know how many children have parents who pass away? If that is the Agencies worst case scenario issue with me or others with a "severe illness," then talk to the countless people in the world who have lost a parent at a young age.


Do you think those children would have rather grown up in a group home, foster homes, and/or be passed around to multiple people, be abused or exposed to dangerous homes, etc.. OR lived the years they got with the BEST Mommy/Daddy God gave them who had health issues?


Lastly, the oxy-moron regarding the financial part of it? We want to use our savings to give them the best life possible and can only hope this changes one day!


I can only hope that one day the route to Adoption and getting all of these amazing children HOMES can be MUCH more logical, affordable, and not judged on a legal marriage or not. Instead, why not be interviewed and heavily investigated as individuals and a couple to determine if they are GOOD PEOPLE with long history of reliability, proof of being an upstanding citizen, and countless references to support the individuals and couple interested in adopting. .... Who have a savings for the LIFE of the child instead of BUY the child.


Please SHARE and Tag me if interested in spreading awareness to the real issues people face who cannot have children of their own.


DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY AND WANT TO FOSTER / ADOPT?


If interested in sharing your adoption or foster story or struggles Adopting/Fostering with a Disability please send in your info below!


-Stephanie Romer

HLHS, 1985


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COACHING SERVICES


Interested in receiving guidance on your Adoption Journey or living with a Disability?

OR are you a Loved one of a person with health struggles or trauma needing support?

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*In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month I am giving a $20 discount for the first 6 sessions! This puts each session at $77 per hour instead of $97. However, the price goes down from there when purchasing three sessions or more!

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www.stephanieromer.com | www.chdlegacy.com



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